I Wouldn't
by Jagsrule5
Summary: As you grow older, you see things start to repeat themselves… Mistakes are made, regrets are established, and people you love start to drift away. My fate has been sealed, but you still have time. Before love binds you, there is always time. Lillia's POV


**Author's Notes: **What is it with my brain that forces me to make sad, angsty oneshots about unappreciated HM characters? It's pretty much all I write, nowadays. ^^;

Sooo this one is in the POV of Lillia from FoMT/MFoMT. Not sure what to think of it... But it was fun to write! Enjoy :)

Disclaimer: I don't own Harvest Moon

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><p><em>I Wouldn't<em>

You're my daughter. It's my job to worry about you.

My daughter…she had always hated this small town. Of course, I could understand her contempt. She had spent all her life in this place…with the same people, same routine.

But Kai was new. He was _exciting_. I could hear the admiration in her voice when she spoke of him. Her endless ramblings were always amusing, considering my view from the front window wasn't exactly riveting entertainment. And the topic always seemed to come back to _him_.

_"-Where giant metal birds fly people around! And something called a 'hot dog'… Oh, but don't worry! Kai said it wasn't made of dogs at all. He actually didn't say what they were made of…"_

This never failed to make me smile. It had reminded me so much of my husband…Rod… He was always the adventurous type. Never failing to charm and captivate me, oh but I was so young then, telling me his tales of faraway places.

So you see, I had felt that once as well.

As much as she will try to deny it, our situations aren't very different. I'll always be waiting for my one love to return, and she'll always be waiting for her knight in shining armor to wisk her away from this one horse town. Maybe it's in our genes, to want that life, to _crave _the adventure.

After waiting as long as I have…you start to think of things differently.

You start to wither away. You think 'Where is he right now, when I need him?' And, of course, he won't be there. And you know, I had hoped that when Anna had so _graciously _told him about that plant- that loathsome, _wretched _plant- that things wouldn't turn out this way.

That was why I tried to talk him out of it, after all.

I saw that glint in his eyes. The same glint that I see in Kai's, even now… A flicker of _madness. _Of adventure…

Oh, but I love my husband, of course. I would never abandon him, that's just not me.

Even when that sweet, shy Zack came over the other day, bashfully offering me a dozen freshly picked flowers, or when Basil and I had that enthralling conversation about the local foliage, our hands slowly inching closer and closer from across the table…

Even then. Even then, I thought about Rod. I contemplated all that he had done for me…and if he came back and saw me like this…? I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

And this confusion…this…this _longing_ is ripping me apart. I get so tired. Tired of waiting, sighing, gazing longingly out the window, wondering if _today _is the day he would finally return to me. And then, at the end of the night, feeling the hopelessness that accompanies the sensation of disappointment.

Feeling silly for even thinking that he would come back, just like that, strolling down the cobbled path with that same, goofy grin of his…My precious Rod…

I should have known that this country town wouldn't be enough for him…

Oh, but I'm rambling again.

Of course, I had learned to deal with this long ago, for my children's sake. I had learned to keep a smile on my face, deal with customers, split up fights, all without a qualm. My emotions bottled up, my stress kept hidden from the town.

Popuri is so young…and immature, despite her illusions of maturity and capability. She doesn't understand.

And she wasn't old enough to remember her father, like Rick was. She doesn't remember the slow, stabbing pain of loneliness as the days ticked by, looking down at Rick's furious expression, his voice quivering as he talked about his father. When she asked me when daddy was coming home, her innocence overwhelming me, making me want to break down in that instant. Because she didn't know…didn't understand, like we did.

Maybe that's why Rick despises Kai so much…because he reminds him of…Rod…

And I must say that I have a bit of that, too. They're very much different; Kai's skin a dark tan, while Rod's a creamy porcelain. They didn't look anything alike, but similarities can sometimes run deeper than appearances. Both shared an air of confidence about them, of tranquility.

The were easy, relaxed. Hassle-free.

It was easy to see why Popuri liked him, his charming smile and carefree laughter brightening the room. Oh, and the stories, of course. Much like Rod, he's an excellent storyteller.

But this only did more to worry me…Kai was a traveler, a wandering spirit. He would leave Popuri in a heartbeat, only coming for one summer a year. And he doesn't realize this, but it breaks Popuri's heart every time he leaves… I know it does, because I suffer the same fate, always waiting.

And I know he doesn't mean it. It's just the way he was raised—or _wasn't _raised, really. That's why I want to keep hanging on, for Popuri's sake… Because if I'm gone, who will be there to come back to? What could possibly keep her here, if it weren't for her dying mother?

Nothing, of course… Because she's just like me.

I worry about her. What her life will be like if she settles down with Kai, if he'll cherish her. But of course these are things every mother worries about.

Really, I worry about repeating the past. I know my mistakes, and I've learned to live with them. There will always be regrets in life, and I never regret one minute had with my children…

But would I choose this life again? No…no most likely not… Do I want my daughter to share in this fate? Of course not… No girl should have to sit and wait… have to put their life on hold for a man.

I had to learn this lesson the hard way… but should Popuri be doomed to the same destiny? Waiting by the window, convincing herself to give the man _one _more day, _one _more chance? And then another. And another…

Maybe it's my fault. Maybe it's in the genes, to want this. Perhaps I should let her figure it out on her own; she's a big girl, after all… But I don't want this life for her, because as much as I smile, I'm not happy. Not at all.

And as often as I tell people that I wouldn't trade anything for this life, I know in my heart that I would give anything to be that age again. To have a do-over, to stay with the poor, boring cultivator instead of the exciting vagabond.

I often wonder what my life would be like, had I accepted another fate. Likely the same, perhaps without the cutting loneliness.

So you see, Popuri, I only do what's best for you. Maybe you will heed my warning, and maybe not. Just know that I have been through the exact same thing, and I know the consequences.

And hopefully now, you do too. I want to warn you that, despite the flirtatious looks and romantic evenings, looking past the gleaming smiles and fantastic tales, he's just like Rod.

And he _will_ leave you waiting… I'm sure of it…

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><p><strong>Good? Bad? Good good bad? Well, thanks for reading anyway! :)<strong>

**Review?**


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